Russian bots hacked our chippy!
Russians aren’t just coming to the UK to try to assassinate ex-spies. So intent is he on disrupting our way of life, Vladimir Putin has become so brazen that he’s ordering Russian bots to hack into Liverpool’s chippies!
That’s the astonishing accusation levelled at the Kremlin today by Barry Batteredburger. In an explosive interview with PortHub, he tells us that Russian bots are specifically targeting his Kensington chip shop by:
- Filling his pies and sausages with chemical agents, making his customers violently ill upon consumption.
- Hacking his fryers to change their temperatures, making his chips burnt on the outside but raw in the middle.
- Sneaking agents into his kitchens to plant cockroaches and rat faeces just as the health inspector turns up.
Barry is also suspicious that a kind of iron curtain must have been implemented between his chippy and passing trade on the pavement, as people look at the menus in his window with total disinterest before casually walking off toward other establishments.
“While the government’s been faffing around with Brexit, the Russians have been electing Trumps, annexing Ukraines and killing our citizens with chemical weapons,” says a disgruntled Barry. “Now they’re coming to Liverpool and using their bots to hack our chippies, and I for one won’t stand for it.
“The most I can do personally is refuse to serve them. I’d like the foreign office, on behalf of all chippy owners in Liverpool, to either impose tough sanctions on the Motherland in response or consider a tactical nuclear strike on the KFC in Shcherbinka.”
Local support for Barry’s warmongering seems to be in short supply, though. A local resident who didn’t wish to be named told us “I had curry and chips from that place the other week and within five minutes it was coming out of both ends. My wife ordered cod and mushy peas and got some kind of brown korma thing instead – they don’t even serve korma from what I can gather.”
“We’ve recently moved into the area and our cat, Tiddles, has mysteriously vanished,” a resident living on the same street as the chippy says. “We’re in bits; she’s a house cat and has never been outside for more than five minutes.”
“Hey, your cat’s gone missing? My Sylvester has gone missing, too…” said their worried next-door neighbour, overhearing our conversation.