REVEALED: The EVIL politician looking to kill you in your homes
He may not have joined a party yet, or have a constituency, or even finished his A-Levels but mark our words, if local hopeful Derek Echobelly gets into parliament then everyone in Liverpool will be murdered while they sleep.
17-year-old Derek is currently studying politics in Liverpool with a view to becoming Prime Minister one day. Our undercover team has been following Derek with a keen interest, though, ever since he and other pupils started their first lesson on the politics course of a local sixth form college last September.
During our time rifling through his bag and hacking his emails, it’s no exaggeration to say that, should Derek get the keys to Number 10, then everybody in Liverpool will have their blackened, charred corpses flung into the River Mersey with not a single tear shed by those down south.
For in our first six months tracking Derek, our team uncovered shocking evidence of the PM-in-wait’s true nature, including:
- Signing an online petition to encourage students to make sure all their rubbish is placed properly in bins after lunch (thereby ensuring no work for janitors and potentially seeing them sacked).
- Took part in a school vote to increase sweet prices in the tuck shop by two pence with the proceeds going toward a refit for the common room (and making sure the sweets are kept for the few who can afford them).
- Privatising an area of the field during lunchtimes when he and his ghastly friends (no doubt destined for the Bullingdon Club) to play football for half an hour.
Derek’s insidious character makes Jacob Rees-Mogg look like Bhagat Singh and means he can only be destined for the most slimy, shadowy parts of ultra-right-wing politics, creating a new fascist state where hate crimes are the norm and he has a big, red flaming eye looking for dissenters atop Big Ben.
Firmly in Derek’s sights? Liverpool, where all his friends and family live, where doubtless a swift flick of his wrist would see Derek’s orc secret service (who would also be members of the despicable unelected Lords) storm the city, dismantle the Baltic Triangle and erect a Dow Jones. Or something. Probably. (We can’t ask cause we’re no longer allowed within 500 yards of Derek.)