Missing man emerges from Lime Street WHSmith’s point-of-sale section
A man who has been missing for the best part of a year has finally been reunited with his family after managing to navigate his way out of Lime Street WHSmith’s point-of-sale section.
Scanning his copy of GQ at the self-service tills last October, 28-year-old Brian Muff found himself attracted by a packet of Smints and decided to add it to his shopping.
When reaching over, however, he slipped and found himself lost in a jungle of bubble gum, newspapers, gift cards and thousands of other bits of tat that sucked him even further into the abyss whenever he tried to escape.
“Struggling only seemed to make it worse,” Mr. Muff told us last night. “At times, overhead, I could see an uninterested store clerk passing by but he always seemed to fail to spot the gigantic S.O.S I had made out of that awful cardboard-tasting popcorn stuff they insist on pushing.”
Mr. Muff credits his extraordinary survival on hacking into one of the self-service tills and convincing it he had bought a Daily Telegraph, allowing him to take a free bottle of water every day.
He survived the harshness of the jungle by snacking on those terrible dried fruit and nut things that most people look at for a bit and ponder buying before shaking their heads and coming to their senses.
Mr. Muff kept sane by reading his copy of GQ and discovering how Jamie Oliver had made cooking sexy again. He finally managed to escape by attaching a rope made from shoelaces to a Next gift card and waiting until someone picked it up.
“I probably would have been out much sooner had I attached it to an iTunes voucher,” he laments.