Meet Patches, the Mersey moggy with an incredible story to tell!
Looking at Patches, you’d think he was like any other flea-bitten feline in Liverpool, carefully calculating the exact moment to do a shit on your prize-winning lawn the second you finish mowing it.
Only, Patches isn’t like other cats at all, and has an incredible story to tell, for Patches is the only cat in Liverpool that doesn’t have a specified gender!
That’s according to his owner, Lucy Vegetable, who’s adamant that Patches is living in a cis hetero-normative society that’s forcing outdated gender roles on her courageous kitty.
Despite getting half of the neighbouring cats pregnant, Lucy says that Patches was wrongly and unwillingly assigned the male gender at birth, and that she’s embarking on a course of expensive holistic rehabilitation therapy to ‘unbrainwash’ her indoctrinated tabby.
“Patches isn’t a ‘he’ actually, can you clarify?” Lucy orders us. “Patches identifies as a 400kg water buffalo, and would like to be referred to as bim, bis and beir.”
As if to prove Lucy’s point, Patches then does the most fetid, rancid fart we’ve possibly smelled, before making a deep, low growling sound and closing bis eyes, seemingly in discomfort.
“There’s no time to waste with Patches,” Lucy says, shaking her head. “I’ve already changed bis diet to include a kilo of cassava and mangelwurzel every mealtime to get bis weight up.”
Patches then lactated quite a bit before groaning and slowly walking toward Lucy’s prize-winning lawn she had just mowed to do a big shit, right in the middle of it.